


Reclaim

by Illiad_And_Oddity



Series: Rebuild [4]
Category: DRAMAtical Murder - All Media Types
Genre: Hand Jobs, M/M, Oral Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, ViTri bad end fix, a little bit of healing cock, but not really because he still has issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-24 01:56:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4901107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illiad_And_Oddity/pseuds/Illiad_And_Oddity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I just want to feel like my body belongs to me again.  I need to know they didn't ruin that for me.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reclaim

Sometimes, they were gentle with me. Trip would coat his hands with oil and massage my sore muscles, and Virus would pepper my face with little kisses, telling me how cute and sweet I was. They would say it was a reward for me being good for them, but I know it was just another method of messing with my head, training me to be complacent and obedient in the hopes I would have gentle treatment instead of pain.

The thing that makes me most angry is that it worked. After a while, I stopped fighting. I stopped thinking. I stopped doing anything except what they told me to do. They still hurt me when I was obedient, but less creatively, in ways I could learn to adjust to.

If Koujaku and Clear hadn't found me, I'm sure I would have stayed there until Virus and Trip finally managed to kill me with one of their 'games'.

It's been six months since I came home. I can think about what happened, what they did to me, without going into a panic attack now, but it's been slow progress. They were good at messing with my head, and it can be hard to sort out what I really want or need.

And it's even more complicated now that I've started talking to my other self... I think we've mostly reconciled, at the very least, I know he means to help me and he seems to have mellowed out somewhat now that I've started listening to him, but it can be even harder to sort out the suggestions he whispers in the back of my mind from what I really want or need.

I think I have figured out one thing that _I_ want, though.

"I want to have sex."

Koujaku chokes on his drink, and Clear turns to look at me. I guess that did come completely out of the blue for them. I've been silent for nearly twenty minutes while we eat the lunch Granny left for us, and they can't read my mind or have any idea what I've been thinking about.

"Ah... okay?" Koujaku says. He looks so dumbstruck I kind of want to laugh at him, but I'm serious and I don't want him to think I was just saying weird things to get a rise out of him.

"I've been thinking about it a lot," I say, "I thought after... after what happened, with - " I still can't bear to say Virus or Trip's names aloud. I think part of me is still convinced that saying their names will summon them, like some kind of demon. I shake the thought off and continue, "I thought after all that, that I'd never want anyone to touch me ever again. But I... well, I do. I want to have sex because I want to, because I'm choosing to do it."

I want to know that I can still make that choice, that I can still feel trust and intimacy. I need to know that they didn't ruin that for me. I'm terrified that they have, though. I haven't even tried to touch myself since a month after I was rescued, when I woke up aroused after a nap. Just rubbing myself through my pants felt so dirty and wrong that it triggered a full-on screaming fit of a panic attack. It took Granny giving me actual sedatives to calm me down, and I was too ashamed to confess what set me off. Honestly, I'm scared that trying this will be just as much of a disaster, but I want to...

“I just want to feel like my body belongs to me again.”

“That makes a lot of sense,” Clear says with a nod, “If you think you're ready for it, then you should do it!”

"Yeah," Koujaku agrees, "well, uh... there's this girl who comes to me to get her hair dyed. I know she thinks you're cute, so if you wanted, I could set you two up on a date?"

"You mean Kanako-chan?" Clear asks. I'm not sure why _Clear_ knows which girls think I'm cute. "She's very nice. I bet you would like going out with her, Aoba-san!"

For a minute I pause. A date with a girl sounds like such an ordinary thing. It's been a long time since I'd had a date even before Virus and Trip... It could be nice.

I shake my head, "No. I don't want to do it with someone who won't know what's going on if I panic."

"Oh," Koujaku says, "I guess... yeah, that wouldn't exactly be something you'd want to tell a girl on a first date."

"I want it to be with someone I trust, who already knows what happened to me and won't be upset if I need to stop..." I trail off, blushing hard, but I manage to continue, "And you two are basically the only people in that category."

"Oh!" Clear says. He looks surprised, then his expression changes to interest. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Clear hasn't seemed to show any sign of finding me attractive before – and I've become hyper-aware of that since my rescue. For the first month, just the thought that someone might, in any circumstance, want to have sex with me was enough to set off a panic attack. But then again, Clear only started taking off his mask regularly a few weeks ago, and who knows what his expressions were like before that point?

“You want it to be one of us?” Clear asks.

I nod, blushing, “Not... not like, _right now_ or anything, but I... I don't think I could feel safe with someone I don't know.”

“Yes, I understand,” Clear says, “Making Aoba-san feel safe is why we're here, after all.”

Yeah. Koujaku's over here four or five nights a week, and he's always there to calm me down if I have nightmares. Granny told Clear to sleep in the bedroom that belonged to my parents instead of lurking around on the roof, so he's pretty much moved in, too. He sings at night, and it's such a beautiful, soothing song that I can fall asleep without anxiety attacks. They both make me feel safe.

“Which one of us would you prefer?” Clear asks.

“I don't know! I haven't been thinking about that!” I must be red as a tomato by now. Clear is the most blunt person I've ever met, I should have expected bringing up sex around him would be embarrassing. A glance over at Koujaku shows that he's as red as I am. I wonder if it's Clear's general bluntness about sex, or if it's because he's thinking about doing it with me.

Clear either doesn't notice or doesn't care about my embarrassment and he blithely continues, "I like Aoba-san very much, and if Aoba-san wants to have sex with me I would be willing, but I've never had sex before and I don't know if I would be any good at it."

I bet you couldn't ask for a more enthusiastic lover, though.

My other self just had to chime in on this conversation, didn't he? I bury my face in my arms and groan, and that seems to be enough to get Clear to stop talking.

“Aoba-san?” he asks.

I raise my head up, swallow my embarrassment down, and say, “Look, I just... I'm doing a lot better than I was. I feel safe most of the time now. But sometimes I still... I don't want to spend the rest of my life afraid of basic things because they make me think of... of Virus or Trip.” I flinch when I say their names, but they're not lurking around the corner, and they don't appear. I take a breath and continue, already feeling a little better, “You guys have already done a lot for me – I'm not going to ask you to do it if you're not comfortable.” I aim the last sentence at Koujaku, who's blushing less now.

He reaches for my hand and holds it. His grip is firm and his eyes are very serious as he says, “I'm honored that you trust me so much.”

I swear my heart actually flutters at his words. It's not flowery or romantic, but I can tell he means it. I give his fingers a little squeeze before I let go of his hand. I'm still embarrassed to talk about this so bluntly, but neither of them are mocking me, and that gives me confidence.

"I'm not ready to do it quite yet," I say, "But, well, soon? I don't know. Maybe just bringing it up will hold me for a while."

Koujaku smiles at me, "Sure. Whenever you decide, Aoba."

~~~

It's another week before I venture the subject again. I know that both of them are willing to help me in this way, as well as every other way I've needed it, but the thought of actually having sex is still a frightening one. It won't be anything like when Virus and Trip violated me, I know that in my mind, but it's hard to convince my emotions of it.

I'm sitting between them on the couch, and Ren is on my lap. When I told him about my idea, he agreed that it would probably be helpful but he encouraged me to be cautious. I think he would prefer if I waited longer, but I feel almost... impatient. I'm nervous, but I don't want to put this off any longer. I suspect my other self is influencing that a bit.

_Stop blaming me because you're embarrassed._

It's the most distinct thought I've heard from him in a while.

_Tell them what you want._

My other self is demanding, but he's probably right. I know I want to do this, but bringing it up is just so...

_Let me do it._

"I'm ready," I say. Or was that my other self? Either way, the words are out now, and Koujaku and Clear both look at me. I'm blushing, and I think Koujaku figured out what I meant, because he's gotten a little pink, too.

"Last week, I said that I wanted... to have sex. Well, I think I'm ready now." I think I can feel my other self's satisfaction.

"Okay!" Clear says brightly, "Have you decided which one of us you would prefer?"

I let out an embarrassed noise and hug Ren tightly. I really want to hide my face in his fur, but I don't. He's looking up at me with concern.

"Are you certain, Aoba?" Ren asks me.

For some reason, his question calms my embarrassment, and I nod, "Yeah. I'm a little nervous still, but I'm ready."

I look up at Clear and answer his question, "No, I haven't. I keep going back and forth on that..."

Somehow I keep balking at making that decision. I think they're equally good-looking, though that hasn't really been a factor. I trust them both, and that's the most important thing.

Clear seems eager, which I find both flattering and a little bit nerve-wracking. The idea of someone actively wanting me freaks me out a little, but I know he certainly doesn't think I'm tainted or disgusting. That thought went through my head a lot after I was first rescued. I'm mostly past it, but sometimes I still find myself thinking along those lines.

Koujaku, though... I don't really know what he thinks about it. I mean, he's obviously embarrassed by all the blunt talk about sex, he's sitting there blushing. He said he was honored that I trust him so much, and I believe he meant it. But he's such a ladies' man, I don't know if he'd actually want to have sex with a guy. It's a contradictory thing to think, considering that Clear's obvious interest makes me nervous, but I don't want to do it with Koujaku if he'd only be doing it out of pity.

"Aoba-san?" Clear says, "It is entirely your choice, of course, but would you mind if I made a suggestion?"

"Sure." It might help me decide. My head is going in circles.

"You care about feeling comfortable more than anything else, right?"

I nod. It's not really about the sex at all. I mean, it _is_ about sex, but not just getting off. I'm not as broken as I was when they first saved me, and this is another step in fixing myself.

Clear continues, "Then you would probably be more comfortable if you did this with Koujaku-san. You have known him for longer and are closer to him than you are to me." He smiles at me like he's super-pleased to have solved my problem for me.

For a moment I think of picking Clear just because I feel like it would be way too embarrassing to even look at Koujaku, but that would be a stupid reason to decide. I look over at Koujaku again, and I realize... I do want it to be him. Not just for the nice, logical reasons Clear just gave me, I _want_ to do this with Koujaku.

"Koujaku," I say softly. He looks up at me. I take a deep breath, and ask, "Do you want to? I know you would do pretty much anything because you want to help me, but this is a lot different from holding me while I'm having a panic attack... Don't agree out of some sense of duty, okay? That's not what I want."

"That's not it," Koujaku says quickly, "I really... I mean, if I were going to... I'm just scared that I'll do something wrong, and hurt you or frighten you somehow."

I frown at him. Okay, so it's not like he doesn't have reason to be scared of that, but I'm still annoyed by the way he's treating me like I'm fragile.

"I do want to," he adds quietly.

"Then I want it to be you," I say.

The look in his eyes makes me shiver, and I think I kind of like it.

~~~

I start feeling awkward again on the walk to Koujaku's apartment. I've walked to Koujaku's place plenty of times, even since I was rescued, but this feels so different. It feels like every nerve in my body is awake. I'm trying to act like normal, but I can't. I'm hyper-aware of exactly what I'm going to be doing with Koujaku when we get there, and I might psych myself out before I even get there.

"Hey," Koujaku says, "You okay?"

"Yeah. Just a little nervous."

"It's okay," he smiles at me, "It's a sleep over, right? Just like we used to do."

He slips his hand into mine and gives my fingers a squeeze, and I relax. That's right. I've spent the night at Koujaku's place plenty of times before, usually after I'd been out drinking at Mizuki's bar and the extra few blocks to my house were just too much to handle.

I smile, feeling more relaxed, "Right.”

Yeah, I don't need to be so nervous. It's not like he's going to tear my clothes off the moment we get in the front door.

_You could tear his off._

My other self's comment makes me choke.

“Aoba? Are you okay?”

“Fine, fine!” I say, probably a little too quickly.

_If you chicken out, I'll take over._

How fucking generous of him.

I shake my head and say to Koujaku, "I'm fine. I just... got embarrassed by my own thoughts."

"Oh." He blushes. Is it weird that I think that's so cute? 'Cute' isn't normally a word that comes to mind when I think about Koujaku, but his blushing is really cute.

I lace my fingers with his and smile at him. I feel all sorts of things right now: nervousness, anticipation, affection... I'm making the right choice, I know it. I couldn't think of anyone who would be better for this than Koujaku.

Koujaku smiles back at me, and doesn't let go of my hand for the rest of the walk to his apartment.

The awkwardness sets back in when we reach the door and enter his apartment. He looks at me, and I can't read his face at all. There's so much tension between us.

"Are you hungry?" he asks, "I know I have enough ingredients on hand to make something simple..."

"Uh, yeah. Dinner would be good."

Fuck. I really don't know what to say or do.

"Okay. I can do that. Would you like to use the shower?”

That was really forward... I bet he's a lot smoother when he says stuff like that to his dates, though. Everything else aside, though, it's a good idea. If we're going to be having sex, I probably want to get clean first. And the shower will give me a chance to clear my head.

I nod, "Yeah. I'll... I'll do that."

I think about saying something flirty as I leave the room, like 'don't peek' or 'do you want to join me?' but I keep my mouth shut instead. Maybe some day I'll be confident enough to say something like that, but not right now.

I take my time in the shower, partly to give myself time to relax and partly because Koujaku's bathroom is very nice. By the time I'm done, my skin is pink from the hot water, and I feel very relaxed.

I consider just putting on the robe that's hanging on the door, but I can't quite bring myself to do that, so I put my clothes back on. Just my shirt and pants, though. I mean, I'm not confident enough to go out there in just a robe, but there's no need to put back on _too_ many layers is there?

When I enter the kitchen, Koujaku looks up and smiles at me. He turns off the stove and nods toward the cabinet, "Grab a bowl. I'm not much of a cook, but I can make a decent curry."

I guess I've always known that Koujaku is good looking, but for some reason it really strikes me just _how_ attractive he is. It's weird, but I suddenly feel completely at ease. I smile at him, and step closer to him.

"Aoba?"

I wrap my arms around his neck. "I'm not really hungry," I say, and press my lips to his.

For a moment, he freezes in shock. Then he kisses back, and his hands gently encircle my waist. His lips are warm and soft, and I don't feel like his hands are holding me in place, just like he needed a place to put them. It feels so safe... I think I would be happy if we just stayed like this all night, gently kissing in Koujaku's kitchen.

Well, I do want to do more than kiss tonight, but this is still nice.

After a moment, Koujaku pulls back and looks at me with a searching gaze.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

I nod, "I'm ready. I... really want to do this, Koujaku."

He nods back. He looks so determined, I almost want to laugh, but honestly I'm grateful. I know that he'll make me feel good.

I don't really pay much attention as we move to his bedroom. It's all Koujaku's lips on mine and his hands around my waist and clumsy footsteps. By the time we reach Koujaku's bed my shirt is pulled up and my pants are unbuttoned, and Koujaku's kimono has been left on the floor in the hall, and I'm not quite sure when any of those things happened. I'm fumbling like a teenager doing this for the first time...

It suddenly hits me that this _is_ my first time, really. This will be my first time doing this that isn't rape, and the thought stuns me into stillness.

I shake it off quickly. This is my choice, I'm doing it because I want to, and Koujaku couldn't possibly be more different from Virus or Trip. My body feels pleasantly warm, and even though the kisses have all been gentle, my lips are tingling. I sit down on the bed and beckon Koujaku closer, smiling as he sits next to me.

He kisses me again, still gentle and closed-mouth. I realize that with Koujaku always being as careful as he is of my boundaries, I'm going to have to take the lead if I want more. Do I even remember how to take the lead in a kiss? I don't want to just shove my tongue down his throat or anything, I want to be gentle.

I open my mouth and kiss back more firmly. I lick his bottom lip, and for a brief second I feel Koujaku's tongue against my own before he pulls back.

"I can't... I can't do this," he says, "I'm sorry." He isn't looking at me.

My heart sinks. I pushed him into this, just like I was afraid of. He was willing to try for my sake, but he doesn't actually want me. I bite my lip and take a deep breath, trying to hold off the thoughts that are starting to form – that I'm too tainted for anyone to touch, too messed up, I'll never be able to just be normal again...

"It's too weird?" I finally manage to say. That's the reason, I'm sure. It's just too weird to do this with me, because we've been friends since we were little kids.

"No! Yes – I... fuck," Koujaku says. He looks really concerned, and he squeezes my hand, "I just... I can't do this without... I can't let it be just sex. I know that's all you want, to feel like you own your body again. You trust me, but I..."

But what? Does he think he's going to hurt me if we continue?

“I'm not going to be able to do this and then go back to just being your friend.”

“Why not?” I don't like how brittle and desperate my voice sounds. Dammit, I don't even want to think about how fucked up it'd be if I have a panic attack because my best friend _won't_ fuck me, but I feel like I'm on the verge of one. I had this all scripted out in my head, but he changed it and now I'm flailing and I don't know what to do.

“Because I...” he pauses, licks his lips, “I love you.” His voice is barely more than a whisper.

He loves me?

He loves me.

“You...” I don't know what to say.

My head is reeling, and I'm going through every memory in my head from the moment he found me. Every time he's held my hand, his gentle smiles, the careful way he always waits for me to invite him into my space... How did I not realize it?

He loves me.

"Why didn't you say anything?" I ask.

He looks away, "How could I? After everything that happened to you... my feelings would have just been a burden for you." He lets out a small, rueful laugh and adds, "Or even worse, you might not have been able to trust me if you thought... that maybe I just wanted to take their place."

My first instinct is to deny that, but then I remember that I once accused him of just that. I was in the middle of a panic attack when I said it, but I still said it. I knew at the time that my words had hurt him, but now I've got an idea of just how much. Even when I'm lashing out at him, Koujaku's only concern is me. Of course he loves me.

He looks miserable. I don't want him to be sad because he's confessed. I throw my arms around his neck and hug him tightly. After a moment his arms move and he hugs me back, so tightly it almost hurts, but I don't mind. It steadies me, and my thoughts slowly calm down.

Koujaku loves me.

I smile against his skin. The more I repeat that thought in my head, the more I like it. It makes me feel warm.

"Aoba?"

"I'm happy," I say softly, "Koujaku... I don't know how I feel. It makes me happy, really happy, to think that you love me. But I don't know if that's because I feel the same, or if I'm... grateful."

"Grateful?" Koujaku echoes.

"That I'm not too broken for someone to still love me," I explain.

Koujaku pulls back, staring at me like I just said something completely ridiculous. He opens his mouth, but I cover it with my hand before he can say anything.

"Don't. I know that's messed up, you don't need to tell me. But I'm really messed up still." I take a deep breath, "They were really good at making me feel grateful for tiny mercies."

Koujaku brings his hand up to my face. I notice he hesitates before actually touching me, and I lean into his hand. I'm okay with Koujaku touching me, but it's reassuring that he always waits for permission in some way before he touches me. That's probably why.

"Aoba..." he strokes my cheek with his thumb, but he doesn't say anything else. His hand is very warm.

I want to continue. Is that selfish of me? I can't give him an answer yet, but I still want him.

"Koujaku." I turn my head to kiss his palm and I hear his breath hitch. I smile at him, and he gives me a tentative smile in return.

"How long have you felt this way?" I ask. I want to know, but even more than that I think I just want to hear someone say sweet things to me that I know aren't lies.

"I think... probably since we were kids," Koujaku says, "I'm not sure exactly when it happened. I don't think it was love at first sight or anything like that, but I can't remember a time when I didn't love you."

I lean against him again, to hide my blush. It's embarrassing to hear him talk like this, but I like it.

"I didn't realize it for a long time," Koujaku continues, "When I came back to Midorijima, and saw you... I thought you were beautiful, but I thought it was weird for me to feel that way, 'cause we were friends and I'd known you since we were kids, so I just... every time I thought something like that, I'd try to kill that feeling in my mind. I tried to convince myself that I loved you as a friend, or maybe like a little brother..."

His fingers stroke gently over my back as he speaks. It's a good feeling. "Did that work?" I ask.

"Kind of?" he says with a laugh, "I mean, it worked for a little while, but then I... A little before you went to Platinum Jail, when I went over to your house, I went to your room and you were sleeping... this is going to sound inappropriate, but I swear it wasn't!" He sounds so flustered that I kind of want to laugh at him, but I'm still embarrassed. I keep my face against his shoulder and nod.

"Your face was just... so relaxed and blissful. All I could think about was how much I'd like to kiss you awake. I got so flustered I went back downstairs and made Beni go wake you up for me. That was when I realized that there was no way I was ever going to fool myself into thinking that I didn't want to be with you."

I don't know what to say in response to that, so I keep quiet. I feel warm and happy at Koujaku's words, but I don't know what to do. I know how messed up I am. I'm really not good at sorting out what I want or need anymore, and certainly not sorting out whether or not I feel something as big and complicated as love...

"Koujaku..." I say after a long, quiet moment.

"Yes?"

"Am I being selfish if I ask you to kiss me again?" I lift my head and look at him properly, "I can't give you a proper answer, because I just don't know what I feel – about anything! And you deserve a real answer, but I just..." I don't want to think, I want to feel. I want Koujaku to touch me. I want him to love me until it erases everything that happened before...

I really am being selfish. I want to bask in Koujaku's love without giving him anything back, not even an answer? I didn't know I could be so cruel.

_It's not cruel to give him what he wants._

No, that's a horrible thing to do to anyone, let alone someone who loves me.

"I'm really messed up. I'm sorry."

"Shh, don't apologize," he says, pressing his finger to my lips, "Look, Aoba... my feelings are... they're my problem, I don't want them to be a burden to you. If it's what you still want, then I can – I can just make love to you tonight, and that'll be all. Like you wanted in the first place. I won't talk about it again, unless you bring it up. I just couldn't do this without telling you the truth. It would've been dishonest."

I don't miss that he calls it 'making love,' but I understand what he's doing. He's giving me control of tonight again, even if it means he'll have to go back to hiding his feelings. But it'll be different, because I'll still know...

I nod slowly, "I do still want to."

I bring my face close to his, until I can feel his breath against my lips, "Koujaku..."

"Aoba."

"You love me?" I ask. He swallows audibly, and nods. I smile, and my lips brush his when I speak, "Say it again. Please."

"I love you," he whispers, and the words send a thrill down my spine. I kiss him, and I know I must come across a little bit desperate and demanding, but he kisses back with just as much intensity.

One of his hands is on my back, holding me in place, and the other is under my shirt, caressing my chest. It's a light enough touch that it kind of tickles, but I enjoy it. Nothing he's doing hurts, and when he pinches one of my nipples, I make an embarrassing noise into his mouth.

"Is that okay?” he asks.

"Ah, it... it kind of tickles..."

He smiles at me, and I have just enough time to recognize the gleam in his eye before he starts tickling me for real. I laugh, squirming away from him and try to tickle him back, but after a minute of play-fighting, I end up flat on my back on the bed with Koujaku crouched over me. He's holding my wrists down and smiling at me, and for just a second I can feel panic rising.

“Stop!” I gasp.

He lets go immediately and pulls back. I take a deep breath, then reach out for him. He let me go when I asked, he's not going to force me into anything. He gathers me into a warm hug and I rest my cheek on his shoulder. He smells nice, like soap and the curry he was cooking earlier. I breathe deeply to reassure myself.

“Are you okay?”

“I'm fine,” I reassure him. I'm reassuring myself a bit, too. “Just don't hold me down.”

He nods solemnly. “Do you want to continue, or do you need to stop?”

"We can keep going," I say. It's not like I actually panicked, and I feel fine now. Koujaku is going to take care of me, because he loves me. I give him a quick kiss, then pull back to take my shirt off.

The expression on his face as he looks at my body makes me blush. I kind of want to cover myself up. I'm embarrassed, but at the same time, it kind of feels nice to be the focus of his attention like this.

"You're beautiful," he says softly. He touches my hair and I tense up, remembering how many times they would torment me by hurting my hair, but Koujaku's touch couldn't be more different. It's not painful, not even a little bit. He's being so gentle that it honestly feels good...

"I've always loved your hair," Koujaku says. He lifts a lock of it to his face and gently kisses it. A shiver runs down my spine.

He kisses me again, his hand still stroking though my hair, and it feels so good. I've heard girls say that when Koujaku touches your hair it feels like you've gone to heaven, and I guess they were right. That thought makes me unexpectedly jealous, and I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him down on top of me. He's a little heavy, but his skin is warm and soft and when I grind my hips against his, he lets out a small moan.

“Aoba...”

I really like the way he says my name. I also like the way his tongue strokes mine as he kisses me. And I really like the feeling of his hips grinding against mine. I can feel his arousal through our clothes, and I want to feel him properly.

"Touch me," I say.

He gives me a teasing smile, and strokes his hand down my side, "But, Aoba, I'm already touching you."

"Touch me _properly_ ," I say, embarrassed.

"Ah, _properly_ ," he repeats, still smiling. I know he knows what I meant, but the jerk would rather tease me. He kisses my ear, making me shiver with arousal. "Are you getting impatient, Aoba?"

"Please don't tease me," I whisper.

His face softens, and he kisses me again before he finally, _finally_ reaches into my pants and wraps his hand around me. I arch into his touch and make an embarrassing noise, but I can't bring myself to care too much.

"Is this okay?" he asks, stroking me carefully.

I nod. Yes, yes it's more than okay. But he looks a little concerned, so I find the words and gasp out, "It feels good."

He smiles with relief, and strokes me more purposefully. I've always thought Koujaku's hands were beautiful, and having him touch me like this is almost overwhelming. He's being careful, but there's nothing unsure in the way he touches me now that I've said it feels good. I wonder if he's ever done something like this before – with a guy, anyways, and that thought makes me feel jealous again.

"Koujaku - " My voice comes out as a whine. How embarrassing. " - I want to touch you."

With a nod he moves off of me, and lays on his side next to me. He brings my hand up to his chest and presses my palm flat against it. "Go ahead," he says.

This position gives me a great view of his body. He's not hugely bulky, but every inch of him is toned, and I really like the way his muscles feel under my hands. I'm a little hesitant at first, but he seems to enjoy my gentle touches anyway, at least if the way he looks at me is any guide. His face is flushed and his pupils are blown wide... he's really turned on, and that makes me feel kind of proud. I'm making him look like that.

I'm a little more confident now, and I bring my hands down to the waistband of his pants. "Can I take these off?" I ask him.

"A-alright," Koujaku says. I look up when I hear the stammer in his voice, worried that he's uncomfortable, but I think he's just trying hard not to sound too eager. His expression is filled with lust and it makes me shiver. He wants me so much, but he's holding back.

_He shouldn't hold back._

No, I'll probably freak out if Koujaku stops being careful. But maybe... _I_ don't have to hold back, do I?

I hook my fingers in the waistband of his pants and pull them down with a lot more confidence that I'm actually feeling. He lifts his hips and I pull them all the way off, and... wow. He's naked, and he looks amazing. I swallow, a little nervously, but I definitely like what I see.

"Okay?" he asks me.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I say, and I'm really pleased that my voice doesn't tremble. I look up at him and smile when I see that he's blushing bright red. I'm not the only one who's a little embarrassed, huh? I think I like this flustered Koujaku. He's really cute.

I press a kiss to his stomach and slowly move downwards. I don't break eye contact with him as I move, and I feel really... well, sexy. Koujaku is a huge flirt and a womanizer, and _I'm_ managing to make him look like this.

I brace my hands on his hips. His cock is hard, and really close to my face. It's kind of embarrassing, but...

"I want to taste you," I say. It probably doesn't come out as smooth or sexy as I hoped for, but Koujaku gets flustered anyway.

"Aoba, you don't have to -" he starts, but I cut him off.

"I want to," I say, and take the tip into my mouth.

Honestly, this is pretty nerve-wracking. I hated when Virus or Trip would make me do this, but I really want to make Koujaku feel good. And this is a lot easier, because Koujaku is letting me go at my own pace. I can feel his hips twitching under my hands as I lick and suck gently, but he's holding still. He would never force my head down or choke me -

I'm in control.

I'm doing this because _I_ want to.

I'm making Koujaku gasp and clench his hands in the sheets.

“Aoba...” Koujaku groans my name, and I like the way it sounds.

I let his cock slide out of my mouth and kiss the tip. “Does it feel good?”

“ _Fuck_ , Aoba...”

I think that's a yes. I smile at him and take his cock back in my mouth. It really isn't too bad, now that I'm getting used to it. He tastes kind of strong and kind of bitter, but it's not gross, it's interesting. I can explore him and try out different things, see what his reactions are like... it's nothing like when they would fuck my face and make me gag until I threw up -

No, I'm not going to think about that. I'm here with Koujaku, because I want to be. I focus on the way he shudders when I give him tiny, feather-light kisses, the way he groans when I give a long, slow lick up the underneath of his cock... when I bring my hand up to play with his balls, he stiffens underneath me. I pause.

“Is this okay?”

“If you do that, I'm going to cum,” he gasps.

I want him to.

"Do it," I say, and take him back in my mouth. He groans loudly, and when I peer up at him he has his hand over his mouth. He's staring down at me like he's never seen anything like this before. I must look so lewd right now, but I don't care all that much.

I take his cock as deep in my mouth as I can without choking, and wrap my hand around the part that doesn't fit. I can feel it pulse, and it's a surprisingly erotic sensation. My hips are jerking against the bed. I want to touch myself, but I'd have to change positions so I don't lose my balance, and that means I would have to stop sucking Koujaku. I'll just focus on finishing him off, then I can take care of myself...

"Aoba," Koujaku groans, "Aoba, you're so beautiful."

He reaches down and combs his fingers through my hair. I moan around his cock. I never thought someone touching my hair could ever feel so _good_. I want more of it. I want it all. I want to make Koujaku cum and I want him to play with my hair and I want him to fuck me...

"I'm going to - !"

I don't have time to process the warning before Koujaku comes in my mouth, and some of it drips down my chin. It feels kind of gross, but I'm turned on enough I don't really care.

Koujaku is gasping for breath, looking down at me, and as I move up the bed, I notice something...

"Koujaku... you're bleeding."

"What?" he says vaguely. He wipes his nose and his hand comes away with blood smeared on it. "Fuck."

He looks so confused, it's ridiculous. I snort, trying to hold in my laughter. Koujaku, the smoothest womanizer on Midorijima, got a nosebleed during sex. With _me._

“Don't laugh!” he whines, covering his nose, “It's your fault anyway...”

I can't hold it in anymore, and I start laughing for real. I drop my head to Koujaku's chest and laugh until I feel him shaking. I look up at him and he looks back at me, obviously trying not to smile.

“Sorry,” I say.

“No you're not,” he replies. He reaches out and affectionately brushes my hair out of my face, “It's okay. It's good to see you laugh.”

My face gets hot. How does he manage to say sappy, romantic stuff like that so calmly? And why does it always get to me?

“Hippo.”

Koujaku just smiles at me. He cleans his face with the tissues by his bed and then leans in to kiss me. He pauses just before his lips touch mine, and I move the last little bit to kiss him properly. Even without words, he's asking me for permission.

I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer. I wonder if he can taste himself in my mouth. I hope he can. I hope it turns him on.

“Aoba,” he says, breaking the kiss, “How are you feeling?”

He's confused after a kiss like that? But no, he's just double-checking. I can't be mad at him for being careful, but it does bother me that he has to be. I wish that I was better, that he could just do things without having to worry... Who knows if I'll ever be that comfortable? Still, I'm doing well so far.

“I'm fine,” I say. I can feel myself blushing as I add, “I want you.”

“Then I'll do my best,” Koujaku says, smiling at me. He hooks his fingers in the waistband of my pants and I lift my hips to let him pull them down and off. He drops them over the side of the bed and turns back to look at me, his gaze hot.

“No underwear?” he asks in a teasing voice, “You really are eager, aren't you?”

All of a sudden my face is hot with shame. I'm completely naked, like the pet they tried to turn me into. The last time I was naked in front of Koujaku was when he found me, lying on the bed in that dark room, obediently on top of the blankets so they could look at me all covered with their filth...

He's looking at me, and my heart is starting to pound. I'm naked and he's crouched over me, and his hand touches my chest. I'm completely defenseless, exposed, and he's just _staring_ at me...

“Aoba?” his voice seems faint beyond the pounding in my ears.

“Don't look at me!” I curl up and roll on my side. He can see me, _everyone_ can see me, all the filth they left on my skin. I can't stand the thought, I don't want him to look at me and remember the last time.

My heart is so loud, but I can still hear their voices no matter how loud it gets, telling me how cute I am when I'm in pain...

A hand touches my shoulder, and I can feel them holding me down, their cold hands forcing my legs apart, pulling my hair and clawing at my skin. A scream tears its way out of my throat. They don't like it when I scream like this, but I can't stop.

If I make them angry enough, will they kill me? I think it would be a relief if they did, so I scream louder.

All of a sudden, there's something soft covering my body.

“Aoba.” The voice calling my name is gentle, “It's okay, Aoba, you're safe. You can open your eyes.”

I open my eyes – when did I close them? - and look.

Red. It's a blanket. One of Koujaku's. It's brighter in here, and I look up at the ceiling to see the big light's been turned on. I look around taking in all the colors in the room, cream and red and brown with barely any black to be seen. Koujaku's room. Koujaku is sitting on the edge of the bed next to me, looking at me with concern. He probably wants to hold me, but is afraid of setting me off again.

I want him to hold me, to banish the phantom sensation of cold hands on my skin. With a little whimper that I barely manage to hold in I move toward him and hug him tightly.

“Koujaku...” my voice is small and incredibly shaky, “I - ”

I choke on the words, but he doesn't seem to mind. He scoots back onto the bed properly and hugs me back.

"Shh, it's alright, I'm here," Koujaku soothes me, rubbing his hand up and down my back, "You're safe, nothing is going to hurt you. Just breathe."

I take a deep, shaky breath and relax into Koujaku's arms. The blanket around my waist helps, I don't feel so exposed anymore.

"Better?" he asks.

I nod. 'Better' has always been my goal when 'okay' isn't an option. I haven't had a panic attack that bad in a long time.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"Hey, it's okay. It's not your fault." He brushes hair out of my face and kisses my forehead.

I don't know how to react to the tenderness in his touch, so I hide my face against his chest. I'm so fucked up. I can't even be naked with someone I trust, who loves me, who would never hurt me... they ruined it for me.

I think I'm going to cry. I hate them _so much_ for doing this to me.

Koujaku doesn't say anything, just holds me gently as my breathing evens out and my heart stops pounding. He's stroking my hair, and it's surprisingly soothing.

When I finally lift my head to look at him, he gives me a soft smile.

“Okay?”

I nod. I think so, anyways. I don't feel panicky anymore, just really drained.

“There's still dinner waiting for us in the kitchen,” Koujaku says, and I almost want to laugh at how predictable he is. Feeding me is the usual go-to for Koujaku or Granny or Clear to try and make me feel better after a panic attack.

I shake my head, “I'd rather stay here.”

“Alright, if that's what you'd prefer,” he says, going back to stroking my hair soothingly, “But you should definitely have some dinner before we go to sleep. I could bring it in here and you can eat in bed.”

I chuckle at him, “Mother hen.”

Everyone is always making sure I eat regularly. It's not surprising though, I was so thin when I was rescued, I looked and felt like skin stretched over a skeleton, and for the first little while I got panic attacks so regularly I almost couldn't eat. I haven't had trouble eating in months, but honestly, I appreciate the concern.

“Want me to go get you some dinner?”

“No,” I say, “Stay here. Hold me.”

His expression softens, and he nods, “Alright, Aoba. Whatever you want.”

“I want to try again,” I say.

Koujaku's hand stops stroking me abruptly, and he pulls back to look at me with obvious concern, “Aoba... don't push yourself. You don't have anything to prove.”

Except that I really feel like I do. Not to Koujaku, but I wanted to do this to prove to myself that I'm not broken anymore. Maybe it's stupid, but if I have to stop after getting this far, it'll feel like...

 _Like letting them win,_ my other self thinks, and I nod slightly.

 _I wish I could have hurt him more..._ he thinks viciously, and I remember picking up that heavy pipe and how solid the blow felt when it connected with Virus's head. I feel my mouth curl up into a satisfied smile, and I'm not quite sure it's my smile.

I frown. “Koujaku... I haven't really had the courage to ask, but... when you and Clear rescued me...” I trail off, unsure how to say it.

“Yes?” Koujaku prompts after a moment of silence.

“Did I kill him?” I ask. Koujaku looks confused, so I take a breath and elaborate, “Virus. I fought back. Did I kill him?”

Clear didn't check for a pulse before he'd carried me off again. He brought me to a hotel and safely into a room where Ren was waiting for me before leaving me there. He returned an hour later, with Koujaku. One of the lenses of Clear's mask had been cracked and there was blood on Koujaku's sword... I've always just assumed what happened, but I've never dared ask before now.

“I don't know,” Koujaku says. He looks away, not meeting my eyes, “I don't think he would have lasted long after that, but I... I made sure.”

That's as good as saying that he killed Virus. Maybe I should be more disturbed by the knowledge that Koujaku killed someone, but since it was Virus – and Trip, too? Maybe? Perhaps Clear did it – I can't bring myself to feel remotely upset about it. If they're dead, they can't ever hurt me again.

I breathe a sigh of relief and relax against Koujaku's chest again, “Thank you.”

Koujaku kisses the top of my head, and it makes me feel so warm. He's holding me carefully, but I can feel how strong he is. I know that if I were to pull away he would let me go, and just knowing that makes me very happy to stay right here, safe in his arms. He starts to stroke my hair again, his touch so gentle that I don't feel even the faintest hint of pain.

When I was a kid, I thought of Koujaku as my hero, but I never guessed it would be in such a literal way... I wonder if it's fucked up that I'm thinking about him being my hero in this situation, but he was. He was a hero who not only saved me from the monsters, but has stayed with me every day since to make sure I'll be okay. He loves me.

Do I love him back? I don't know. I feel like I might, but is it just gratitude for the one who saved me?

Now that I consider it, what I feel for Koujaku doesn't exactly feel _new_. I've always looked up to him. Maybe I do love him back. I want to tell him that I do, but what if I'm wrong? I don't want to hurt him.

Am I already hurting him by doing this with him?

“Koujaku... I really would like to try again,” I say, finally breaking the silence, “It's not that I'm trying to prove anything, I just... don't want to end tonight on a panic attack.”

Koujaku's quiet for a while, and then answers, “Alright. If you're sure.”

“I am.”

“Do you know what specifically set you off?” he asks, “I'll be careful to avoid doing that again.”

“I think it was just... being naked,” I say, “Being exposed is... it's still scary, even though I know you won't hurt me.”

“I understand,” Koujaku says, his tone thoughtful. He moves his hand down to the edge of the blanket wrapped around my waist and begins to pull it down. I try not to, but I tense up again. I'm safe, Koujaku isn't going to hurt me. I know that. I _know_ that, but my heart is starting to pound...

Koujaku stops moving the blanket, “No good, huh?”

I feel pathetic. As if a blanket around my waist is really any kind of protection, and we're not going to be able to continue if I'm keeping my lower half wrapped up. But Koujaku kisses my forehead gently.

“I have an idea,” he says, pulling away from me and scooting towards the edge of the bed, “Hang on a second, I'll be right back.”

He gets out of bed and heads for the door, and I'm blinking in confusion. Where is he going? I might stare a little bit too much as he goes, but it's hard not to look at him. The tattoo on his back is really beautiful, and I haven't gotten a good look at it before now. I wonder when he got it? It doesn't look like Mizuki's style... Then again, he's hardly the only tattoo artist on the island.

He returns a minute later with his kimono in hand and sits back down on the bed next to me.

“Here,” he says, holding out the kimono, “If being exposed is freaking you out, you can wear this. It'll probably make you feel more comfortable.”

I smile gratefully. He really is doing absolutely everything to make sure I feel safe. I let him put it on me and I relax as I loosely tie it closed. It smells like Koujaku and the fabric is soft under my fingers.

“Is that better?” he asks.

I nod, “Yeah. Thank you.”

He's wrapped me in his kimono before, when he found me. It was the first time I'd worn any kind of clothing in months, probably. Having it on again is reassuring. It's only thin cloth, but it feels almost like armor. I'm not exposed. Not vulnerable.

Koujaku is still completely naked. He really does have a gorgeous body...

I lean forward and kiss him, and he responds passionately. My body is warming up again as he kisses me. His tongue twines against mine and I moan. His hands settle at my waist, and this time I don't feel scared at all when he removes the blanket.

Koujaku pulls back to look at me. His expression is tender, almost reverent, and I can feel my face heat with embarrassment. But... I don't dislike it. When Virus would stare at me, I felt like I was a mouse about to be eaten by a snake. Koujaku looks at me like I'm a piece of art.

“May I touch you?” he asks.

I nod, and he brings his hand to my chest. He trails a finger down the center of my chest, down my stomach, around my navel, and a line of goosebumps follows his touch.

“Is this okay?” he asks.

“It feels kind of weird,” I say, squirming, “I don't know if I like it...”

“Ah, okay. How about this?” he asks, and he starts to gently stroke my cock.

I moan in response. I'm only half hard right now, but I won't stay like that for long...

“Good?” he asks. I wonder if he's going to ask for everything he does, but then again, that's not exactly a bad thing.

“Yeah,” I reply, “It's good.”

The look in his eyes makes me shiver – even now, a lustful expression is enough to make me nervous – but there's so much _affection_ in his gaze. I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him close for a kiss. Koujaku is a better kisser than either of them. That's a probably a weird thing to notice, but it's true. He's gentle, using his tongue and lips to caress mine in a way that goes straight to my cock. The way he kisses me – I don't think what they did even deserves the same word.

So this is what it's like with someone who really loves me.

I pull away from the kiss and spread my legs. If Koujaku fucks me – _makes love to me_ – I know he won't hurt me. This can't erase what happened before, but I'm sure it'll help.

“Koujaku...” My voice sounds so embarrassing right now, but I can't just expect him to guess, “I want you to -”

All of a sudden I can't get the words out. _Asking_ Koujaku to fuck me seems so incredibly shameful I can't say it. They would make me _ask_ for them to violate me, and I just can't say the words, even though I know this is different.

“You okay?” Koujaku asks.

“I'm ready for more,” I manage to say. That doesn't sound so lewd.

Koujaku blushes, “Oh, okay. Hang on a second...”

He gives me a quick kiss on the forehead and reaches for his nightstand. After a few seconds of fumbling, he pulls out a bottle. He turns back to me, still blushing.

“Is that...?” I don't know why I'm asking, it's pretty obviously lube.

“Uh...” Koujaku's face is really red, “Last week, after you said that you were – if you picked me, then – I mean, I decided that I needed to look stuff up so that I would know what to do.” He looks away, flustered, “If you picked me I wanted to make it good for you.”

I feel like I must be blushing as hard as he is. The idea of Koujaku doing _research_ to make sure I have a good time... it's so embarrassing, yet I have absolutely no trouble picturing it. It kind of makes me feel... special, I guess, that he'd go to so much effort for me.

“You really...”

“The last thing I wanted was to hurt you because I didn't know what I was doing.”

I'm too embarrassed to say anything, but I kiss him anyway. He's being so careful and kind, and I want him to know I appreciate it. He makes a surprised sound into my mouth, and kisses me back. I really feel like I could just kiss him for hours and be satisfied with that. When he pulls away, his eyes are intense.

“I love you,” he says softly, “I want to make you feel good, Aoba.”

I nod, and relax back on to the bed. Koujaku leans over me, but I don't feel afraid at all. Despite that, I still flinch when I feel his lubed fingers touch me.

“You okay?” he asks.

It's a reflex to being touched, but I don't want to tell him that, I know it'll upset him. “It's cold,” I say, “I'm fine.”

He laughs a little bit, “Sorry. It'll warm up.”

His fingers move down to my entrance and I shiver. I know he won't hurt me, but my body is still a little scared. I clench my hands in the sheets and focus on Koujaku's face. He's got such an intense look of concentration on his face, I swear I can see him reviewing notes in his head. I can't help but wonder: did 'doing research' mean watching porn?

The thought makes me laugh, and Koujaku looks up at my face.

“You don't have to be quite that careful,” I tell him.

He smiles at me, and it takes my breath away. He really is a beautiful man... My breath hitches again when his finger slides inside me. It doesn't hurt at all, though, and I let out a sigh and relax. He begins to move, thrusting his finger in and out, and it actually feels kind of good.

I gasp when he wraps his hand around my cock and begins to stroke me. His hands are so warm. I prop myself up on my elbows so that I can watch what he's doing to me more easily. Before, when I was trying my best to pretend it wasn't happening to me, I would try not to look at what they were doing to me. I don't want that now, I want to watch Koujaku touching me with his beautiful hands...

“Is this good?” he asks.

“Y-yeah. You can – you can go faster.”

“Like this?”

He strokes me more quickly, and I let out a little moan. It feels good, even better when I start moving my hips. He presses a second finger against my hole, and gives me a questioning look. I'm sure my voice would be embarrassing right now, so I just nod at him. He smiles at me and leans in for a kiss, and I move to meet him.

It doesn't hurt at all when he presses his second finger inside, though I'm not sure I would have noticed if it did, with Koujaku's tongue caressing mine. I think I could get addicted to the way Koujaku kisses me...

His fingers twist inside me, touching my sensitive spot and I let out a loud moan into his mouth. That felt good. He breaks the kiss and smiles at me.

“There?” he asks.

“Yeah,” I pant, “Feels... really good.”

I'm moving my hips against his hands almost unconsciously. He's not really doing much, but I don't think I've ever wanted it so bad in my life. I think I'm going to cum just from Koujaku touching me like this. He's so skilled with his hands.

I grab his arm for balance and we manage to find a rhythm. I'm moving against his hands and the feeling spreading through my body is familiar, but it's so much _better_ right now than it's ever been. I know I won't last long like this. I can't hold in the sounds I'm making... but honestly, I don't think I want to. It's embarrassing, but I want Koujaku to know how good he's making me feel.

“Kiss me?” I ask, and he does.

It catches me by surprise when I do cum, my whole body stiffening as I cry out. Koujaku keeps kissing me through it, until I pull away from his mouth. I slowly relax back onto the bed, panting hard.

I don't hurt. Not a single thing he did to me hurts... I open my eyes and smile at him.

“Are you alright?” he asks. He gently withdraws his fingers from me. I don't even feel a twinge.

“Mm-hmm,” I nod. Words seem like too much effort right now.

He smiles at me, “I'm glad. Hang on just a minute, I'll be right back.”

He kisses my forehead before getting off the bed. I watch him head for the bathroom, and tug his kimono tighter around myself. It smells like my sweat now. I don't know why I like that idea so much, but it makes me smile...

Koujaku returns a minute later with a washcloth, “Mind if I clean you up? We got a little bit... sticky.”

I blush, but I feel kind of pleased with myself, too. My body is thrumming with satisfaction. I did this because I wanted to, because I chose to. They didn't take it from me after all.

“Okay,” I say, and Koujaku gently wipes me down with the warm washcloth. It's slightly embarrassing, but I like how caring he's being. It feels almost as intimate as before, but in a different way.

He really does love me.

I sit up and hug him tightly.

“Aoba?”

“Thank you,” I say softly, “I really...”

I love you. The words are on the tip of my tongue, but I can't say them. I'm still not sure...

“That was wonderful. Thank you.”

He hugs me back. “Silly,” he says, his voice full of affection, “You don't have to thank me for taking care of you.”

Of course I do. I'm not going to take advantage of him. Or at least I don't mean to. I can't do anything about how confused I am otherwise, but I'm certain that I'm grateful. He deserves to know that much.

I still have a lot to think about, though. Everything is going to be different between us now. I don't think I mind it, but I need to sort out what I feel and what I want. I doubt it's going to be easy.

“I think I'm ready for food now,” I say.

He smiles brightly at me, “Okay. Want me to bring it to you?”

I nod. He lets me get away with a lot, but getting up to go eat in the kitchen like a civilized person seems like an awful lot of effort when Koujaku would be happy to bring me dinner in bed.

I really am taking advantage of him, aren't I?

Still, Koujaku smiles at me and puts his pants back on before leaving the room. I draw my knees up to my chest and rest my chin on them. I have so much to think about, I don't even know where to begin.

I feel good. That's a good place to start. Warm and relaxed and still kind of tingly... I did this because I wanted to, because I chose to. Everything I endured didn't stop me from enjoying myself with someone who loves me... who I love back? Do I love him back? I care about him so much, I rely on him... the thought of losing him terrifies me, but is that just because I've become kind of dependent on him taking care of me? It's not like I wouldn't have other people to take care of me if Koujaku were gone, so that can't be it.

I think that maybe... I'd like to love him back. Or at least, I'd like to be sure of what I feel for him. I know that I like hearing him say he loves me, and that I liked doing this with him, and that I feel safe and warm when he holds me. I like the way he smiles at me, his muscular arms, and how beautiful his face is – and _that's_ an embarrassing thought, but it's true.

Do all those things equal love?

How would I even know, as fucked up as I am?

Koujaku... he loves me. I hope he can be patient while I figure myself out.

Koujaku returns with two bowls and chopsticks. I guess we're both going to eat in bed. I accept the bowl as Koujaku sits down next to me.

“Thanks for the food.” I take a bite, “It's good.”

“Good,” Koujaku says with a smile.

I find myself blushing and quickly focus on my food. I don't know why I feel flustered by his smile, considering what we've just done. I glance over at his bare chest, still shining slightly with sweat. I have the weirdest urge to lick him, right in that spot where the sweat collected above his collarbone...

Well, I definitely know that I'm physically attracted to him. That's something, isn't it?

“You okay?” he asks.

“I'm fine,” I say, “I'm just thinking.”

He doesn't say anything, but I can tell he's curious. I take a deep breath, “Koujaku... it's probably not fair for me to ask, but... can you be patient with me? I don't really know how I feel or what I want, but...”

He puts his hand over mine, very gently, “You can take all the time you need, Aoba. I'll be here for you.”

That might be part of the problem, though... still, I can't pretend I'm not grateful for it.

We eat in silence, and I'm no closer to figuring out an answer by the time my bowl is empty than I was before. Maybe I just need to sleep on it.

“It's not that late, but I think I'm ready to go to sleep,” I tell Koujaku.

“Alright,” he says, “Are you okay with it if I sleep here?”

… Is he actually asking me for _permission to sleep in his own bed?_ I mean, I know he's being respectful of my boundaries, but that's honestly ridiculous.

“It's your bed, I'm not going to kick you out of it! If I didn't want to sleep next to you I'd get your spare futon. I know where it is.”

“So... you want to sleep next to me?”

I kind of want to smack him for being an idiot, but I sort of appreciate the sentiment.

“Yes,” I say firmly.

He smiles at me and lays down. I scoot closer to him and reach for his hand, putting it on my waist. I want him to hold me right now. I like how secure I feel tucked up against him. Anyone who wants to do me harm will have to go through Koujaku first...

I smile to myself. He really is my hero.

He kisses the top of my head. “Goodnight, Aoba,” he says softly.

“Goodnight, Koujaku.”

~~~

I'm very warm. That's the first thing I notice when I wake up. I'm warm and there's an arm slung over my waist, holding me loosely. Koujaku's arm, I remember. I can feel his chest pressed up against my back.

I could move whenever I want to, but... I don't think I want to right now. It feels very secure. I shift back a little closer to him, and he moves his arm from around my waist. I frown, feeling weirdly disappointed by it and roll over to look at him. His hair falls across his face and his expression is soft and affectionate. He really is a beautiful man.

“Morning,” he says with a smile, “Did you sleep well?”

I love him.

It feels like that thought should be more surprising than it is, but it just feels so natural. I love Koujaku. I don't feel confused about it at all now.

“That was the best I've slept in a long time,” I say. I reach for his hand and put it back on my waist, and I shift closer to him, “Koujaku... I love you too.”

His whole body stiffens, “You – you do?” He sounds like he doesn't quite believe me.

“I do. Or at least... if what I feel for you isn't love, then I have no idea what is.”

I yelp in surprise as he pulls me closer and buries his face in my shoulder.

“Koujaku!”

“Aoba,” he says, “Aoba, I love you _so much_.”

The emotion is his voice has me blinking back tears. Koujaku... I wish I'd known years ago how he felt, but that's useless. I can't change what's past, but right now I feel warm and safe and...

Happy.

“I'm happy,” I say it out loud. Koujaku raises his head to look at me, and I smile at him, “I really am.”

“That's all I want,” Koujaku says, stroking my hair out of my face, “If I can make you happy, Aoba... that's all I need.”

It's a sappy and romantic thing to say and it actually kind of bugs me. I frown, “Hippo.”

“I mean it,” he says earnestly, “I just want you to be happy. Anything I can do for you -”

I poke his shoulder and he stops talking, “Idiot. Maybe I want _you_ to be happy, too.”

He looks surprised, but he smiles at me and I feel an embarrassing flutter in my chest when he does. His smile has always gotten to me a little bit, now that I think on it. Stupid good-looking hippo.

I take a deep breath, “I... I'm still going to need you to be patient with me, though.” I should probably clarify that before we go any farther, “I'm probably always going to be messed up in the head.”

Koujaku kisses my forehead gently, and it raises goosebumps on my arms. His expression is soft and tender as he says, “I already told you that I'll be here for you, didn't I?”

I hug him again, and bury my face in his shoulder. He smells good, like sex and sweat... man, I must _really_ love him if I think his stale sweat smells good.

“I just... I know how awful I can be sometimes,” I murmur, thinking guilty back to the accusations I hurled at him during some of my panic attacks, “I can't... I can't promise I won't do something like that again. I'll try, but I'm gonna be hard to live with sometimes.”

“Oh, shush,” he says affectionately, “Don't go thinking like that. So you come with some baggage, like everyone else in the world. I have my issues too, and I'm sure I'll screw up sometimes as well. But I love you, and I'm going to work hard to make you happy.”

I can't help but grin at that. He's so predictable.

“I've got more baggage than most people, but if you want to help me carry it...”

“I do,” he says firmly.

“So...” I kiss his cheek quickly, “That goes both ways, right? You'll let me help carry your baggage too, right?”

I said it teasingly, but he stiffens in my arms.

“What's wrong?” I ask. Did I do something wrong? He looks vaguely panicked right now. “Koujaku?”

He hesitates for a moment, then takes a deep breath and says, “I know that you mean that, but my baggage is – I mean, it's not the same as what you went through, but... my time on the mainland was – it's not something I like to talk about. Or even think about.”

I definitely understand that. I don't want to talk about the things that happened to me in any detail, and if it's a painful memory for him, I don't want to drag it to the surface before he's ready. I rest my head on his shoulder again. "It's okay. I just want you to know that... if we're going to be together, then you can rely on me, too. But I won't push if you're not willing to talk about it right now."

"No, I... How can I be worthy of your trust if I won't tell you the truth?" he asks, "It's just... I've never told anyone before, and I'm scared of what you'll think of me."

"Koujaku..." What I'd think of him? As if anything could erase the fact that he saved me from a living hell. “Whatever it is, I'm not going to think of you any differently.”

He gives me a pained smile. Then he takes a deep breath and says, “My father was the boss of a yakuza family.”

“What?” I gasp. I look down at his tattoos. Well, that explains them... it's hard to imagine Koujaku as a yakuza, even with all his tattoos. I gently touch one of the thick black lines.

He lets out a rueful laugh and covers my hand with his own, “I never wanted these. I never wanted anything to do with my father, but I was his only child, so he made me his heir. If I ever disobeyed him, he'd – he'd hurt my mother. I could endure anything he did to me, but I couldn't – I couldn't stand to see her hurt, so I obeyed him. Even – even getting these fucking tattoos.” His voice cracks a little. He brushes his bangs out of his face.

There's another tattoo. On his _face_ . I've never seen it before. I had sex with him last night and I still didn't see the tattoo on his _face_. For him to have hidden it so carefully... he must really trust me to show me now.

I hug him tightly, and he hugs me back, burying his face in my shoulder, “Remembering my time here with you when we were kids was the only thing that kept me going sometimes.”

“How did you escape?” I ask. I wonder if 'escape' is the right word for that, but Koujaku doesn't correct me.

“After -” his voice hitches again, “- after my mother died, there was nothing that could keep me there. I came home. I wanted – I just wanted to see you again.”

I can't help myself. I kiss him, and he makes a surprised noise against my mouth, but quickly begins to kiss me back. I keep the kiss gentle – I just want to reassure him, not start a morning quickie. Although a morning quickie definitely seems like something I wanna do at some point.

“There's... more to the story than that,” Koujaku says when I pull back, “But I...” he trails off.

I shake my head, “It's okay. You can tell me when you're ready. I just... I rely on you so much already.” In a weird way, it makes me feel kind of better to know that he has his own problems. It feels more equal if I'm not the only screwed up one. I feel like that would be weird to say though, so instead I say, “I want to be the kind of person who you can depend on in return, too.”

He smiles softly at me, “I love you so much.”

I feel myself blushing at that. “Hippo,” I grumble. It's embarrassing how much he gets to me with such little things.

He chuckles, “I love that, too.”

I know my face is red, but I can't say I don't like it. “Kiss me again?”

He does.

 

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've been working on this fic off and on since February, and I've finally finished it. It's the part of this 'verse I actually most wanted to write. Both because I'm shipper trash, and because I wanted to see if I could. It wasn't easy, but I think I've pulled it off!
> 
> Once again, thanks to quetzalpaplotl for her support!


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